Today I wrote something depressing in a coffee shop and it went a little like this:
“Some years ago, I counted resilience among my key qualities. The moment I got knocked down, I was climbing to my feet and asking for more.
Now I’m not so certain.
As youth’s irrepressible confidence dissipates, I find myself vulnerable. Each failure, each rejection corrodes me.
Increasingly, I find myself too shy to speak up in class or even post here. It’s hard to engage in conversation without stuttering thoughts of self-doubt amassing.
Resilience is so important. Resilience and drive.
Now my resilience has faded, my drive seems to shrug and follow suit.
This is the worst part. Wanting something for so long. Working so hard. Then not wanting it anymore.”
Wow, I sound like a love-struck teenager. It’s funny how words hold so much meaning when they’re scrawled on the back of a pay slip in a dark coffee shop. Things look different in the light.
You know what? Resilience is feeling that way and still getting on with it. Resilience is going back for more despite rejection and failure. Resilience is almost breaking your nose and playing frisbee the next game. (See Shiners post.)
Screw you, payslip. I can take what you got.