Dear esteemed potential employer,
Got your attention, didn’t I?
Now close all your other tabs. Close your Twitter and Facebook. Close YouTube. Stop bidding on that item on Ebay. You’re wasting your time. But more importantly, you’re wasting my time. My valuable time. So cut the crap and pay attention. There are three things to know before we begin, so listen closely:
- I hate networking.
- I hate resumes.
- I hate cover letters.
You may think it’s ironic that I’m sending you this cover letter. Shut up, smart arse. This is not a lesson on the intricate nuances of the English language and this is also not a cover letter. This is me telling you to give me an interview. And you better dress nice. Give me an interview and I’ll show you just how fucking right for the job I am. No, more than that. Just 15 minutes of my time will give you the opportunity to see that I would be such an incredible asset to your organisation that you will create an EXCLUSIVE NEW POSITION PURELY FOR ME.
- Multi-media (for all intents and purposes) foreign correspondent based in either India or South East Asia.
- No video. I don’t do video.
- Overarching organisation must be global, large, powerful and diplomatically immune with an unsurpassable legal department.
- Opportunities for often and significant advancement.
- Travel allowances, living expenses and drinking money provided separately to remuneration.
- Positive, nurturing working environment.
I would like to be handsomely renumerated. None of this Grade 1 journalist, “I’m fresh out of uni and will work for whatever remuneration that can be sucked out of the vending machine by my own chapped and bleeding lips” bullshit. Handsome. Remuneration. Think Bruce Paige’s salary. Six figures. Six even figures, none of which are zero. And they all must be divisible by 4. Apart from those specifications, just however much you think I’m worth.
Now South East Asia correspondent appeals to me, so does India correspondent. The thing about these two places is, however, that they are subject to seasonal, inclement weather. I don’t do wet seasons, I don’t do Mumbai in summer. Those times will be taken as paid leave.
If this letter hasn’t convinced you, you must be some sort of intellectually-deficient, Cretaceous-period pond scum. Pass this on to someone with more cells.
(Note the absence of words such as ‘kind’, ‘warm’ and ‘loving’. Be grateful to get even the lowliest ‘regards’.)